will we ever be okay again?

Hi there! When you subscribed to my page or decided to check out my content, I know you weren’t looking for something that would probably hit you in the feels. But I have to let you know that the “lifestyle” portion on my website is about my life and the things I learned along the way. In my life, there will be days where I need to brain dump, and this post is going to be one of them… Fare warning, it’s not going to be that fun.

Did you know Charlie Brown’s saying, “good grief” is actually in dictionary.com? I know, I’m just as shook as you. Good grief is defined as “an exclamation expressing surprise, alarm, dismay, or some other, usually negative emotion.” It’s such an interesting oxymoron that I didn’t even think about until I actually experienced grief, and what I’m about to say about grief doesn’t have much good in it. But let’s just jump into it, shall we?

My grandma passed away two years ago. 2020, everyone’s most traumatizing year. This is the year we discovered the severity of COVID-19 and went into a pandemic. Luckily I was able to say goodbye to my grandma before COVID affected all the hospitals, mortuaries, funeral homes, and crematoriums. I really can’t imagine how it was for those who have lost their loved ones during COVID, and I’m sorry for your loss and the process you had to go through because of COVID regulations. But to get back to on topic: we share the tragedy, the sadness, and the grief of losing someone we loved.

To be quite honest, I don’t think I can ever comprehend death. Like I’d be doing my daily routine and then realize someone I used to see every single day is no longer here? My brain just can’t– It’s been two years and I still can’t process not being able to hear my grandma’s voice again. Walking into her house, seeing her at the end of her dining table cutting fruits. Seeing her cute smile as she hands me another plate of fruits she cut for me. Holding her hand as we walk around Ralph’s floral area to find flowers to bring home to arrange together. My heart hurts.

It’s crazy that it’s been two years already… Like time really just flies, but what’s crazier is that the feelings of hurt and sadness still feel like I just felt them yesterday. The fact that I can be driving to the grocery store and then get hit with a wave of sadness because a certain song comes on on the radio. Or feeling *off* then coming to the realization that around *this time* was “our last *this*”. Or my body just “randomly” waking up at 4 am then realizing it’s not random at all because that was the time I got a call to go and say goodbye to her one last time.

I know she’s in a better place now. I don’t think I’d want her to be here to see all that’s going on in the world. She would be shocked if she saw that gas is $5+/gallon now. And to tell her that she can’t go to the market to buy more fruits and flowers for her safety? Yeah, no thanks. If you knew her, she loved to go to the market or to get out of the house any chance she got.

See what’s going on here? As you went through my post, you can read the roller coaster of emotions I went through. Grief is like that. You’ll have your good days where you feel okay to carry on, but then you can also have days where you get triggered by something. Then your grief and all the emotions come flooding back. Of course, everyone deals with grief their own way. You might not be as back and forth between my feelings like I am, but I’m sure you’ve felt how I felt. These things are perfectly normal. But like I said, nothing good about grief.

Just know that time heals and eases the emotions you’re feeling. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m writing this to tell you that or to tell myself that. I mean, it is a brain dump after all. But this has been on my mind for a while now and I think writing it all out might help me process these emotions, and hopefully help you somehow.

If you know what I am talking about and feel like it’s not getting better, I recommend talking to someone or getting professional help. Professional help can help you work through these emotions to help you cope and manage your grief better.

If you don’t want to go the professional help route, I suggest you try the following things:

Crying. I know, it sounds funny, but cry it all out, it will help. Let your feelings do their thing and take over. Take it from me, I have a bad habit of numbing myself instead of riding out those feelings. And all I can say is numbing it made my grieving process much worse. I’ve learned that bottling up what I’m supposed to feel is a defense mechanism and sometimes you just have to learn to let your guard down. Especially in cases like this.

Talk to others. Don’t stay in your own head all the time. You need to talk to other people. Even though you might not want to. Talking it out is another way to help release the emotions you are feeling. Talking to others could help you find the comfort and closure you might need to hear. You’re not in this alone, someone some way has been in your shoes. As much as it sucks, it’s true and them sharing with you is to show that you are not alone. If you don’t have anyone to talk to, my DMs are always open.

Take care of yourself. Ease back into things you used to do. Things you used to love. To give you some tough love, the Earth keeps spinning. Life goes on. Your loved ones wouldn’t want you being so down all the time. They’d want you to continue what you love doing. Give them a reason to be proud wherever they are. They didn’t sacrifice things and make it that far in your life for you to sit there and just cry all the time. Practice self-care. Wake up early, do some stretches, drink more water, go on walks, send in that application, finish your art piece. Do what makes you and your body happy. Take care of yourself. Make your loved ones happy.

Lastly, give yourself time. As much as we want to be like the vampires in The Vampire Diaries where we can “turn off” our emotions, we can’t. We have to give ourselves time to heal. Grief is not a steady process. It will have its ups and downs, and all you can give yourself is time. So just breathe. Everything is going to be okay. I promise you. Just take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. Again, I’m always here if you need someone to talk to.

If you have anything else to add, feel free to comment down below! This is a safe space.

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  1. Losing a loved one is one toughest thing anyone can go through. It can change your perspective on life and feel like a piece of you is gone. Instead of bottling it in/ never showing emotion, let grief become a part of you and accept the feeling of sadness into your life because it can be the best thing you can do for your mental health. Thank you for sharing your story💛
    Your grandmother’s memory will always live on💛

    • Liza!! I don’t know what to say other than I agree! For the longest time, I bottled it up inside because I wanted to be strong for my other family members. Little did I know, it made my grieving process a lot harder on me than them. Thank you so much for taking the time to read. I appreciate you so much💓

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